Application - Deerington

[notnowkato]

IN CHARACTER

Character Name: Jacques Clouseau
Canon: A Shot in the Dark
Canon Point: End of the Movie

In-Game Tattoo Placement: Between the shoulder-blades, where he will refuse to believe that they are because he cannot see them for himself.
Current Health/Status: Alive, much to the chagrin of the Commissioner
Age: 40s
(We are not given a clear-cut age, though the canon points to him having fought in the french revolution as a freedom fighter. If his films are roughly contemporary, this puts him in his early 40s.)
Species: Human, much to the chagrin of the human race.

History: https://www.britannica.com/topic/Jacques-Clouseau & https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inspector_Clouseau

CRAU History and Impact: N/A
Personality:
Arrogant, egotistical, a little bit rude and extremely blunt, Inspector Jacques Clouseau of the Surete is perhaps one of the worst inspectors on the force. It is a wonder that he ever managed to get beyond the rank of crossing guard or pass the necessary tests to become a police officer in the first place. He is bold to the point of a fault, brash in virtually every encounter he ever engages and obsessed wholeheartedly with his job, finding the law-breaker and capturing them to face the penalty for their crimes. There is only one glaring problem with his arguably good intentions. He is a terrible investigator.

Jacques is notoriously prone to making snap judgments almost immediately (often impacted by the presence of a pretty, blonde woman, who he is usually prone to believing is innocent automatically). Once he has concluded what the actual crime and its culprit is, nothing in the world, not even a literal smoking gun in the hands of the murderer, will convince him that he is wrong. He berates any who come to him with contrary evidence, calls them (notably his aide Hercule) fools, and concocts whatever explanation he can create in his mind to explain how the 'wrong' party was framed and his original deduction is correct.

It would be uncharitable, not to mention unfair, to call him a corrupt policeman. Inspector Clouseau holds himself to a high standard and is above bribery and intimidation. He isn't entirely above seduction, though if he determines an attractive woman to be the culprit he will nevertheless hunt them down as swiftly as he would a man (arguably more ineptly). It is not that he is corrupt. He holds the law and his duties in the surete in the highest regard. Instead, he is simply incompetent to his job and so deeply convinced that he was born to do what he is doing that he cannot believe that he is ever in the wrong. He is the famous Inspector Clouseau. How could he possibly make a mistake?

Bumbling, foolish, inept and prone to hourly incidents of clumsiness that may result in the utter destruction of his wardrobe, the near accidental killing of his superior officers or the wrecking of public property, he blunders through life with the playful and self-important look of a man on a mission, to get to the bottom of the case and save the damsel. Nothing can stop him, least of all the world. The fact that he is as successful as he is (and he has an alarmingly high success rate of capturing actual criminals committing heinous crimes) has nothing to do with his own skill, but rather a combination of the aide of his loyal and endeared friends and aides, and utter, complete coincidence that drops the proof he requires quite literally in his lap. To him, this is providence and the expectation of one with his skills. To everyone else, it is their tireless efforts because they love him for some reason, or his success serves their own purposes for some unexpected reason.

Jacques is arguably a very good-hearted person. Although prone to verbal abuse when he is irritated, he never appears to mean it or to intend to make it linger beyond the extent of the conversation. He views all people with a relatively egalitarian eye (albeit egalitarian by 1960s standards). He is easily shocked, however, by such things as nudity, a beautiful woman, transvestites (proving almost incapable of knowing what they should be called.). He rarely means insult, even when conversing with notorious criminals or people who have tried to kill him/seriously harm him (e.g. Commissioner Dreyfus or the Phantom, both of whom he speaks with cordially despite considerable personal harm they've tried to level at him. Admittedly, he calls both fools at some point.). His accent is apparently so atrocious, as well, that it is worth mentioning that most native french speakers have difficulty understanding him (regardless of if it was in French or English).

The closest relationships that Clouseau has are to Kato, Hercule and Commissioner Dreyfus, and it is without question that all are fairly shallow relationships. He was once married, though his wife ended up running off with the Phantom shortly after participating in a plot to frame him for the theft of a famous jewel known as the Pink Panther. He has a certain rivalry with the Phantom, though it is predominately because the man is an international criminal, and not over the loss of his marriage (which he ironically never mentions in confronting him post-canon point in Switzerland). Kato he treats as a beloved servant though he will use any ruse to get the drop on him when the young man attacks him from secret hiding places to help keep him prepared for any ambush that might come along. Hercule he berates repeatedly, and yet seems to have a certain amount of affection for and trusts always to have his back and aide his investigations. Though he calls him a fool, he is always at his side. Dreyfus he shows some respect to (though he isn't above call him an idiot if he doesn't like his conclusions), but seems utterly incapable of realizing how much that man loathes him, even when told so to his face. Overall, his lack of close relationships indicates just how little he spends time thinking of others. He is on the case, and they are merely actors in the play of his life. They are important, but only tangentially so, and he simply never keeps close relationships, not even among paramours or co-workers.

Abilities/Powers/Weaknesses & Warping:
None. Inspector Jacques Clouseau does not actually have any powers. He isn't blessed with unnatural stamina. He isn't a crack shot. He's pretty awful at seduction. He's not even a passable investigator or lawman. Yet, despite having none of these powers, the man simply seems to have an inhuman amount of luck, surviving near death situations by impossible contrivance and accident and solving ridiculously unlikely cases by accidentally happening upon a pivotal clue.

He has no power, but he IS insanely lucky. Whether this luck translates into Deerington? I leave that question legitimately to the mods. It's hilarious either way.

Warping: Clouseau will not need to be warped, unless you decide that nobody could possibly be that lucky in real life and he therefore has unnatural luck that needs to be addressed.

Inventory:
Walther P38 Pistol w/ box of 50 bullets (Standard issue of the surete in the 50s. 9 mm pistol)
Trenchcoat, Surete uniform, gloves and fedora
Bedrobe
Full Change of Clothes
Full Change of Clothes – Seriously, he will destroy his clothing. He NEEDS these.
Oversized magnifying glass

Writing Samples:
Sample 1)
“Hercule! Where are you, you fool?” The sounds of banging, crashing furniture could be heard throughout the flat that Clouseau currently resided. Outside, it was night, and within it was pitch black. The Inspector was shouting into his phone, attempting to get the operator to connect him, but it had not gone terribly well. Now, he was trying to shout for his aide to make an appearance, only finding silence and darkness.

Hearing nothing, the shadow of the man whipped around. He half expected Kato to lunge out of the darkness at him, and stood ready with one of his patented karate chops, for what was clearly nothing. Finally settled down, he made his way to the nightstand and fumbled around until he could turn on the lights. Blinking once, blearily, in his bedrobe he frowned in consternation. “This ees not the ruem that I was sleeping in.” His eyes narrowed further and with all of the familiarity of a man who had been drugged countless times in his life and woken in still stranger places, he nodded. “A game ees afoot! And I will find the culprit, or my name isn't Jaaaaaaah!

Thud. Inspector Clouseau would wake to find Sodder's missive and gift basket tomorrow. Tonight? He would dream the dreams of the unconscious, for his keen investigative eye had found the floor.

Sample 2)
[It was, by now, a few days later and he had begun the process of investigating this city. It was only mildly disturbing that he found himself in America. Why not? There were American criminals, after all, so why shouldn't one of them have kidnapped him for their nefarious purposes. He was not disturbed by the strange goings on in the city, mostly because he hadn't noticed any of them yet. He wasn't even disturbed by the fact that the townspeople appeared to be studiously ignoring him. He was so accustomed to the French citizenry attempting to pretend that he didn't exist almost studiously that the behavior of the townsfolk didn't strike him as that odd.

What disturbed him was that he was in Maine. Why Maine? The last time he was kidnapped, it was to somewhere at least worth traveling. This? This was a farm community in the middle of a forest in nowhere. The plot was currently escaping him, and that needed his undivided attention. So, he had been attempting to decipher this 'fluid' for a half hour, and felt he had the right of it. A camera phone was it? What would these Americans think of next?

Cue the feed. Congratulations, Deerington. You were getting a first-hand look at Jacques Clouseau's world famous nostrils as he stared far too close to the screen and nearly shouted in borderline unintelligible English.]

Allo! I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau of the Surete! You will provide assistance immediately!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Player Name: Latroma
Player Age: 18+
Player Contact: latroma

Other Characters In Game: Vira-Lorr
In-Game Tag If Accepted: Jacques Clouseau: Latroma
Permissions for Character: https://notnowkato.dreamwidth.org/317.html
Are you comfortable with prominent elements of fourth-walling?: Oh god, yes. Please. Tell this man he's in a movie. He will PREEN.
What themes of horror/psychological thrillers do you enjoy the most?: Psychological are good, but really anything should be hilarious with this man.
Is there anything in particular you absolutely need specific content warnings for?: Very very little. I've found that anything related to birth/infancy is a trigger for me (Pedophilia, Unbirth, Abortion issues, stillborn, ectopic pregnancies, anything in that category). Scat/WS related things are a no go unless they are intentionally being done as torture. These are the few things it is best to avoid. Otherwise, there's no need for content warnings with me.
Additional Information: He's going to need more clothes. Soon.

I might also request Kato/Cato as a monster in his house at some point.